Life Leveling

I want it to matter.  Every single bit of it.  Every tear in my heart. Every choked sob.  Every drop burning my eye at the thought of you.  I want it to matter, to make sense, to feel purposeful, to be beautiful in its terribleness.  I want the endless thoughts, the what-if’s, the traumatic recounting in my mind’s eye, the anger, the envy at the complete ignorant bliss of others, the deepest well of sorrow, the agony… I want it to matter.

I want to shout your name.  I want to whisper it.  I want to end every sentence with some memory of your life.  I want to remember.  I want to forget.  I want comfort, others.  I want to be alone, withdrawn, an island. I want to go back, hold you again.  I want to undo.

I want others to understand.  I want others to stand still in time with me…

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