I want it to matter. Every single bit of it. Every tear in my heart. Every choked sob. Every drop burning my eye at the thought of you. I want it to matter, to make sense, to feel purposeful, to be beautiful in its terribleness. I want the endless thoughts, the what-if’s, the traumatic recounting in my mind’s eye, the anger, the envy at the complete ignorant bliss of others, the deepest well of sorrow, the agony… I want it to matter.
I want to shout your name. I want to whisper it. I want to end every sentence with some memory of your life. I want to remember. I want to forget. I want comfort, others. I want to be alone, withdrawn, an island. I want to go back, hold you again. I want to undo.
I want others to understand. I want others to stand still in time with me…
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